I’ve never felt this before. I’ve had my ups and my downs. But this, this is a monster. Whatever “this” is, it’s killing me. The pain in my life. The conflicts. Not knowing what to do or where to turn. Knowing that whichever direction I go, it’ll hurt. No option will be pain free. I’m stuck. I can’t think straight. It physically hurts. My heart feels like a knife is stabbing right into it. Can’t breathe. Can’t think. It’s like I’m standing still and the entire world is moving fast forward around me. Can’t move, Can’t speak, Can’t cry. I’m just there. Left there to decide. Left to find my own direction. Left to chose. Left to hurt. No help or answers. Just me and my thoughts. Just me and the pain. The pain that’s so strong I almost feel numb. The decision so hard it’s nearly impossible to make. I just wish I could disappear and not make a decision. I wish I could fade away and leave. Just let the world be without me as an option. A decision that could change my life, a decision that will hurt no matter what, a decision that I don’t want to make…
Try to remember the first occurence of you checking the time yesterday. Can you? If you can, can you remember what the time was? Can you remember the exact thoughts, feelings, the exact reaction you had to the time, at the time?
You definitely cannot, and if you believe you can, then try to do this with every single thing you’ve ever perceived, thought or done throughout your life.
This means that the you of yesterday morning, if that’s when you checked the time, has died. The thoughts you were having are gone from your memory, your past existence is something only you can keep going through remembrance and since you have forgotten it, it is now completely gone, erased from existence.
It may be tomorrow, in a week or decades later than that, but at some point you will have completely forgotten most of who you are today. The you that you are right now will be dead, and yet you will still be alive.
Now, is your yesterday self sad? Is it mourning its existence, regretting the things it hasn’t done, wishing it could live again? No.
You are not one person worrying about their own life, you are an infinity of selves, each beginning its instant-long life at the end of the previous one’s instant-long life. You are a constantly mutating object, disagreeing with itself, doubting itself, loving itself, wondering about itself in a powerful capharnaum that can so very deeply influence the world around you. You are an object that hates some of the things it used to be, and regrets others, and wishes it could have been, be or one day be more like one of the other objects that bustle around on our Earth.
We make no sense, the way in which we all think and remember and forget makes us into barely chronological creatures, timeless beings who hold on to timely orders for things because it’s the only way simple enough for us to understand, or at least pretend, to ourselves and everyone else, to understand.
You are not something that used to not be for a few billion years, then was, currently is, will be some more, then will stop being for what is left of the things that are.
You are timeless, an instant in a crazy sea of mad instants colliding with each others in no particular order, for no particular reason. Death is, in a way, the end of all this for whatever you will be.
Death is scary, but it doesn’t mean you have to be scared of Death.
Think about all you are, have been, will be, may have been, all the things you have done, do, and will do, every tiny or majestic world you’ve made up in your wonderful head, and realise how you are so much more than simple, stupid little Death.
Depression is seductive: it offends and teases, frightens you and draws you in, tempting you with its promise of sweet oblivion, then overwhelming you with a nearly sexual power, squirming past your defences, dissolving your will, invading the tired spirit so utterly that it becomes difficult to recall that you ever lived without it…or to imagine that you might live that way again. With all the guile of Satan himself, depression persuades you that its invasion was all your own idea, that you wanted it all along. It fogs the part of the brain that reasons, that knows right and wrong. It captures you with its warm, guilty, hateful pleasures, and, worst of all, it becomes familiar. All at once, you find yourself in thrall to the very thing that most terrifies you. Your work slides, your friendships slide, your marriage slides, but you scarcely notice: to be depressed is to be half in love with disaster.
- Stephen L. Carter
There are many resources all over the web which helped me a lot in understanding the concepts by looking at the example and source code, I am grateful to all those nice people who take time from there daily lives and blog about their experiences which acts like a inspiration and guide to beginners like me. To contribute back to the community, I have decide to open source all of the examples/demos. You can find all my experiments/examples/demo on my github repository 3JSExperiments. Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions.
Credit: Above image is StarCruiser blender model downloaded from here.
तू जिंदा है तो ज़िन्दगी की जीत में यकीन कर
अगर कहीं है स्वर्ग तो उतार ला ज़मीन पर. तू जिंदा है ….
ये ग़म के और चार दिन, सितम के और चार दिन,
ये दिन भी जायेंगे गुज़र, गुज़र गए हज़ार दिन.
कभी तो होगी इस चमन पे भी बहार की नज़र,
अगर कहीं है स्वर्ग तो उतार ला ज़मीन पर. तू जिंदा है…
हमारे कारवां को मंजिलों का इंतज़ार है,
ये आँधियों, ये बिजलियों की पीठ पर सवार है.
तू आ कदम मिला के चल, चलेंगे एक साथ हम,
अगर कहीं है स्वर्ग तो उतार ला ज़मीन पर. तू जिंदा है …
ज़मीं के पेट में पली अगन, पले हैं ज़लज़ले,
टिके न टिक सकेंगे भूख रोग के स्वराज ये,
मुसीबतों के सर कुचल चलेंगे एक साथ हम,
अगर कहीं है स्वर्ग तो उतार ला ज़मीन पर. तू जिंदा है..
बुरी है आग पेट की, बुरे हैं दिल के दाग ये,
न दब सकेंगे, एक दिन बनेंगे इन्कलाब ये,
गिरेंगे ज़ुल्म के महल, बनेंगे फिर नवीन घर,
अगर कहीं है स्वर्ग तो उतार ला ज़मीन पर. तू जिंदा है…
- A Poem by poet Shankar Shailendra
Today I conducted “Introduction to iOS programming” workshop at P.A. AZIZ College of Engineering & Technology, Thiruvananthapuram. Thank you PAACET for having me.
Here are the slides for the worksop, feel free to drop me a line if you have any question.
It’s hard to give a textbook definition of love but it’s almost like being wrapped in a big, fuzzy, heated blanket; except the blanket is the company of another person. Imagine you’ve found a person that you’re always happy to see, someone with the innate ability to cheer you up no matter what; through the sheer power of smile they manage to somehow make it all okay. You might have a million little things to worry about over the course of the day, but it’s no big deal because whenever you see her, you get this warm feeling inside that you just can’t explain. They aren’t perfect, no one is, but you don’t really care. You might not even notice at first, but even when you do, it’s not a fault, it’s a quirk and it makes her unique and you love her even more.
But then it’s gone. Now there’s a vacuum in your heart where she used to be. Everything reminds you of her and there’s nothing that you can do to get it back. Love is hard, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. Love can bring emotions like jealousy, and anger but through it all you don’t stop caring because you can’t stop caring, and you don’t really want to. You take the good with the bad because even the bad is still with the person you love.
Happy Valentines Day.
Paperman - A short movie by Disney and like all other movies by Disney this one also celebrates myth of true love. But I can see the point and this movie really hits the nerve. Maybe it’s the character design. The girl… well, those eyes and those mannerisms evoke a sense of longing in me. Maybe it’s the job the guy holds, or his obvious desire to do something more meaningful with his life. Maybe it’s just the touch of the inexplicable passing through his life… that amazing moment when he encounters something that his educated, skeptical mind can’t explain. Do watch.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there;
I did not die.
- Mary Elizabeth Frye
We are the first intelligent animals to know that death is inevitable and that will happen to us some day. It’s a scary thought. However, death may actually be the most beautiful thing we have. Right now we believe that we have one consciousness, but we don’t. Our consciousness is incredibly complicated. The brain has multiple neuronal groups, each responsible for a small part of our whole conscious. And each of those neuronal groups are made up of billions of individual neurons. When our consciousness is being expressed, it’s actually expressed through the firing of electric current through groups of neurons, so it’s always different every fraction of the second. We are actually continuously re birthing and dying in our minds, but our brain makes it seem as though it’s one continuous entity. It’s beautiful. We are merely constructs of the mind, and the mind is constructs of biology. Biology is a construct of incredibly complex chemistry down to the molecular level, and each molecule is a construct of the most fundamental physics that govern our universe, all gaining mass through the Higgs field that runs through the entire universe.